Grazhir :: Harry Potter :: Snapshots: Control Issues :: Deal With the Devil

Deal With the Devil

Note: I believe this was prompted by a comment about whether or not Harry would be doomed to Hell because of all the people he’s killed. Naturally, it’s not the least bit serious.


They stood in a room fashioned from fire and lava, nearly bumping shoulders as they slowly gazed around, but their attention was quickly caught by a grandiose throne at the center of one wall, upon which sat a man with endless flame-red hair and impossibly pale skin.

“Hello, lads!” the man said cheerfully. “I’m sorry to say that Heaven wouldn’t have you, so here you are.”

Harry dropped his gaze immediately, then turned and looked up at Voldemort. “Oh dear,” he said.

“We’re going to have so much fun together,” the man added.

“I—if we’re—” Harry started trembling.

Voldemort reached out to caress his mate’s cheek.

“I guess that means we’ll be separated after all. And, I’ll finally go mad,” Harry said slowly, tears beginning to spill down his cheeks. “Before it’s too late, I—Tom, I love you.”

Voldemort thumbed away some of his tears, then said, “I love you, Harry, with all my blackened heart.”

“Dear me,” said the man, capturing their attention back. “This is terribly touching. Now, see here, lads. I said Heaven wouldn’t have you, so that means you’re here by default. I’ve been watching you two for simply ages and I’m ever so happy to finally get to talk to you both.”

Harry and Voldemort exchanged a slightly puzzled look.

“You two have such a casual flair when it comes to torturing people. It’s just breathtaking to watch. Why, I haven’t had this much fun in centuries. Now, as it so happens, I’m Lucifer, and I run this happy establishment. You know, Satan, Beelzebub, the Devil, the Prince of Darkness. . . .” He rolled his eyes. “Being who I am, I happen to have quite a bit of leeway when it comes to certain things, such as the disposition of souls in my domain.”

Harry and Voldemort exchanged another slightly puzzled look.

“And, since God tends to be the sort to keep his nose clean, that means I can get away with terribly naughty things at times. You know, keeping the cosmic balance and all that rot. As far as I’m concerned, neither of you two really belong here, but it’s not like I can kick you upstairs. On the other hand, given that I have you, that means it’s my decision what to do with you. So, I thought I’d exercise a bit of supreme executive power and offer you two a deal. Sound good so far?”

Not knowing what else to do, they both gave hesitant nods.

“Wonderful! So, I’m going to give you a few options. The first choice has you two remaining here in Hell. I’ve long thought you’d make excellent members of my Enforcement team. Granted, it can be a bit wearying at times torturing people day in and day out, but that’s why I offer such excellent benefits, like generous holiday time, and a lovely company flat or home depending on your preferences, with every possible amenity. You’d be able to stay together, just like you are now, and work as a team. And it is possible, though it might take a few millennia, that you could eventually earn passage into Heaven through a job well done.

“Now, the second choice is not quite the same. You two were really building up a nice little empire when you kicked off. It would be a damn shame if it crumbled, I must say. So if you preferred that, I would send you both back to pick up right where you left off. And, because in this plane of existence time has no meaning, you wouldn’t end up back in your bodies only to find out that your minions had decided to give you a Viking funeral or send you off like Darth Vader on a pyre. And, as an extra bonus, I’d even throw in the metamorphmagus ability for you, Tom.”

Harry leaned toward Voldemort and whispered, “Darth what?”

“Good grief!” exclaimed Lucifer. “Haven’t either of you ever watched the Star Wars movies? You really must, they’re fabulous. Anyway, if you chose option two, you could pretty much rule your empire for eternity, or until humanity decides to go out in a blaze of glory and use weapons of mass destruction to obliterate the planet and everyone on it, whichever comes first. After all, if that happened, you’d all be in the spiritual planes anyway, so what would be left to rule?”

Lucifer shifted on his throne, indolently tossing a leg over one arm of the chair. “The third and final option would be where you both told me to sod off. If that were the case, then yes, Harry would go stark raving mad, not to mention suffer the eternal torment of starvation in addition to whatever else ended up on the list of tortures to receive. And you, Tom, would suffer the eternal torment of being unable to satisfy the demands of your bond with Harry, and knowing he’s gone completely crackers without you to keep him sane, along with everything else.

“So, why don’t you two nip off to that spot over there”—he pointed—“and have a chat. We have all the time in the world, so don’t feel you need to rush or anything. And once you’re done, just pop back over and we’ll move things along, okay?” Lucifer smiled and made shooing motions with one hand.

Voldemort took Harry’s hand in his own and led him to the indicated spot, feeling really quite bemused. A look at his mate revealed that Harry was a little lost, a bit fearful, and definitely confused. The fearful part upset him greatly so Voldemort pulled Harry into his arms with the intent to kiss him into a different kind of insensibility, and of course, to settle him.

That came to a screeching halt a few minutes later when Lucifer trilled, “Oh, lads! If you need a quick shag that’s perfectly all right. I promise, I shan’t notice a thing.”

Harry sputtered for a good thirty seconds, then choked out, “This really is Hell, isn’t it.”

Voldemort couldn’t help himself; he laughed. “Harry, my sweet, what do you wish to do?”

“Um, well, not that last option, obviously. You know, I’m starting to slightly regret how I tricked Lupin into submitting, because right now, I’m feeling really fucked in the head, Tom.”

“There’s not much help for it, Harry, so I’m going to take this at face value.”

“Oh. Okay. Um, I’m kind of worried, then, about the second option. What happens when we finally end up back, er, on a spiritual plane?”

“I suppose we’d end up back here.”

“Yeah, but—”

“Assuming it wouldn’t be anything nasty. . . . We could ask. He may be willing to explain.”

“I think the second one, if that’s all right with you, Tom. I mean, you know I’m perfectly willing to torture a person who deserves it, but for that to be my whole day? I’d do it, though, if it meant I wouldn’t lose you.”

A small blood-red being about the size of a house-elf pranced up. It had a long tail with a funny triangular bit at the end and a set of cutely curving horns. “Mail daemon, sirs!” it announced as it held out a piece of paper. The second Voldemort took it the little fellow pranced off.

After blinking a few times and shaking his head, Voldemort read: “Lads, the second option would eventually place you, along with every other soul ever created and put through the wringer, back into the reincarnation pool, at which point we reset the universe and the world starts over from scratch. I’ve lost count of how many times that’s happened and it’s been a tie since, well, forever. “

“Uh. . . .” Harry said helpfully.

“Right, second option, then. Shall we go see if that’s all right?” No sooner were the words out of his mouth did Voldemort find himself abruptly back where he had started, and Harry was at his side.

“Right-o, lads! Second option, then? Wonderful. Now, before I shoot you back to your bodies, do you have any questions? Anything at all, really. I’m quite fond of you two, so it’s fine.”

Harry gazed off to the side, coughed, then said, “Er, yes, um. . . . Sir?”

Lucifer flicked back a hank of hair, which immediately fell right back into place. “Oh, no, do call me Lucifer.”

“Right, thank you. I was sort of curious to know if, er, Severus Snape arrived here?”

“Oh, definitely. I found him to be so much fun I decided to torment him myself, Harry. I use a lot of your ideas, actually, not to mention his. I think it upsets him a bit that he’s receiving the same treatment he gave you, and I’ve made absolutely certain that his little mind won’t snap on me or anything inconvenient like that.”

Harry grinned crookedly. “Thank you, Lucifer.”

“You’re very welcome, Harry. Anything else?” He paused, then said, “Right. Off you go, then. Have a lovely time ruling your empire and send me lots of people to play with!” Lucifer made a peculiar gesture, and everything went blurry.

Harry bolted upright, absently noticing that he was in bed and felt just exactly like his normal self. A second later he was straddling Voldemort and shaking the blazes out of him, at which point Voldemort said in a sleepy murmur, “I’ve just had the strangest dream.”

“You mean the one where we both died and went to Hell, and had a lovely chat with a man named Lucifer?” Harry said sarcastically.

Voldemort blinked his eyes open almost impossibly wide, then relaxed and said, “Do you suppose this means we’re actually immortal now?”

Harry snorted. “I’m not about to volunteer as guinea pig to find out, Tom, and neither are you!”

“Yes, well. Since we’re awake. . . .”


Note: And yes, I know it should be ‘mailer daemon’, but that doesn’t fit right!